HERE ARE SOME MUSICIAN-JOKES TO HAVE A LAUGH AT...
THE JOKES ARE ALMOST AS IMPORTANT AS THE PLAYING FOR THE MUSICUS -
SO STUDY WELL!







Dear Raphael,
I have been unable to sleep since you broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your "sloppy-style" fashion, your socks with wholes, and muddy jeans. I now realize that computers aren't only for work, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you never held a proper job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people play trombone on a free-lance basis.
Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.




How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.




What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin ?
Who cares - neither one's a guitar




What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.




~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~


"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk."
"Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see."
"Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!"

"What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy."
"You can load in through the kitchen."




What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.




What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.




"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"




A trombone player and an accordion player are playing a New Years's eve gig at a local club.. The place is packed and everybody is absolutely loving the music .. shortly after midnight, the club owner comes up to the duo and says, "You guys sound great .. everybody loves you .. I'd like to know if the two of you are free to come back here next New Year's eve to play ?? ...
The two musicians look at each other then to the club owner .. and the trombone player says "Sure .. we'd love to .. Is it OK if we leave our stuff here ??"




How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.




What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common ?
Both suck when you plug them in




How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.




What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.




How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.




What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"




What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.




A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.Charlie say's hey man 'Karen Carpenter is on drums!




What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.




This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there, but I found you something. I got you a gig bagging lions."



To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing"

.At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck.

He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another.

He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt". He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him.

One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says, "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over".




How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.




How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.




Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.




How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.




Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.




What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.




How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.




What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.




What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.




Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.




How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.




How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.




How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.




What is the definition of a mezzo soprano?
Just an alto with a soprano's attitude.




A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm
sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."




What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.




How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.




String players' motto:
"It's better to be sharp than out of tune."




A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?"




At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"




What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.




What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.




What is the definition of a major second?
Two baroque oboes playing in unison.




How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.




What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A bad oboist can kill you.




What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
1.Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
2.It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw.




How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1.Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2.Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!




What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.




Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.




A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"




How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.




How do you tell if a Wagnerian soprano is dead?
The horses seem very relieved.




Why do musicians tour the most in the summer?
So they can visit all their kids.




What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"




Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string."




What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.




Know how to make a million dollars playing trombone?
Start with two million.




A musician arrived at the pearly gates. "What did you do when you were alive?" asked St. Peter. "I was the principal trombone player of the London Symphony Orchestra" "Excellent! We have a vacancy in our celestial symphony orchestra for a trombonist. Why don't you turn up at the next rehearsal." So, when the time for the next rehearsal arrived our friend turned up with his heavenly trombone. As he took his seat God moved, in a mysterious way, to the podium and tapped his batton to bring the players to attention. Our friend turned to the angelic second trombonist and whispered, "So, what's God like as a conductor?" "Oh, he's O.K. most of the time, but occasionally he thinks he's von Karajan."




A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England. After his audition he was talking with the conductor "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor. "Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!" The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him. "Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist. Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London. Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members. He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, because there seemed to be a serious credibility gap. The conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London.




What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.




Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter. The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations." St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!" The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children." "Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?" The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime." "Heavens!" says St. Peter. "What instrument did you play?"




How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.




A man has been trapped on an island for several years when he sees a small wake in the water. After a time, a lovely lady scubadiver rises from the surf. She walks to the man and exclaims, " You must be miserable, how long has it been since you have had a great smoke?"
While the deranged man stammered for an answer, the lovely lady unzips the side pocket on her sleeve, and produces a Cuban cigar.
She gazes into the now-smoking man's face and whispers, "and how long has it been since you have had a real drink"?
Again the man stammers as she unzips her other sleeve to produce a flask of ancient Brandy.
As she teasingly unzips the main zipper to her wetsuit, she asks, "And how long has it been since you have known real pleasure?"
The man scrambles to his feet and yells "Oh my gosh, you don't really have a SAXOPHONE in there do ya?"





Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
He hated mankind but couldn´t build a atom-bomb.





When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."